Climbing to the Top

  It’s funny to me that every generation has trouble understanding the generations after them. Growing up you always hear stories from people older than you about the struggles they had as a kid. Also, kids always have better toys than the kids older than them. I can’t even count the number of times I have wished I was a kid again.
      I’ve always made jokes about older people and their stories “Back in my day we had to walk to school…Up hill…BOTH WAYS…IN THREE FEET OF SNOW!!!”  ”You kids and that DAMN ROCK N’ ROLL MUSIC.” The funny thing is, now that I am getting older, I catch myself all the time saying and doing things that I’m sure kids today would look at me and say “Your too old to understand!” The worst part about it is, they are probably right!!
     The thing I have the hardest time understanding now, is taping your video games. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about playing a video game. I’m talking about, if you go on Youtube or any other video site, you will see videos of people that have already played the game and are just taping it to re-watch it or show off or something. I really don’t know why they do it. I mean can’t they just play it over again?
      Lately, I have gotten into making videos. This requires a lot of time watching tutorials on how to do different effects and how to edit different types of videos with all kinds of programs. Every time I try to watch a new tutorial, there are all these tutorials on adding effects to already shot video games. At first, I thought it was how to make video games, now that would have been pretty awesome, but its not. I just don’t understand watching yourself play a certain game over and over. Wouldn’t you just want to play that game instead, you know, to get better?
        I mean, O.K. I will admit that I really never was a video game person. I have sat doing other things for hours on end while one of my friends sat there hour after hour just to try to complete one level, but at least they were playing the game. What enjoyment can someone have watching something that they should be playing? I am completely lost with this. The only reason I can think of to do this, would be to learn how to use different effects with different programs. The thing is, there are way too many of these video for them just to be learning tools.
        I remember a while back, when I first saw one of these video game videos, but that was for World of Warcraft, and it was actually a funny video. One of the characters was dancing around and acting funny. That is completely understandable. I  guess it has just evolved into people wanting to show off how good they have gotten at a certain game, which still doesn’t make much sense. Unless they have conquered the game, that would actually make sense, but that is not the case.
        So yes, I will admit it….I am GETTING OLD!!!! Back in my day we didn’t have all these crazy kids, taping all of their weird games….Putting them up on the YOUTUBES!!!!!! Oh well, one day these kids will have something to complain about too. It just part of life…WE ALL GET OLD!!! 

       The one thing I use to always say before doing anything I had doubts about, was “Fuck it, you only live once!!” This in itself is quit a profound statement. Unfortunately, now that I’m older I think I looked at it completely wrong. Which, by the way is the story of my life.
        To me, the statement “you only live once” always meant, do everything without worrying about the consequences. That it is better to die young  and live on the edge, then to just have a boring existence. I never thought that I would live past 30, so I did everything in excess!! I never saw a future for myself, so planning anything never made sense.I lived under the impression, that if I was to plan something out, I was planning for disaster. To me the best way to ruin something was to plan it out.
      Lately, I’ve been realizing that the statement “You only live once” may have a completely different meaning. I’m starting to learn that since this is the only chance we get, we are suppose to preserve our way of life. That every second is a gift and we must use it to make this world better. I must say though, the paranoid side of me is skeptical. I mean the second I start making my life better and actually have something to lose, is the minute everything is taken from me.
        I don’t know what it is, but part of me is unable to except normalcy. The closer to pain and misery I am, the more comfortable my life is. It’s not that I can’t be like other people and “fit in”, but…Well now that I think of it, that is exactly what it is. I’ve tried being Mr. Straight and Narrow, and believe me it takes being someone that I just can’t be. Some of it has to do with drugs, but even clean, I feel like a complete misfit. So the drugs are a very small part of this and hopefully a part that is behind me.I must also interject, that drugs never really changed my personality, for better or for worse. It mostly has to do with the way my brain works, how I perceive people and especially how I think they perceive me!!! 
      The part I find the hardest to grasp, is the fact that I work night and day on my creative stuff and have nothing, but if it was discovered and I was rich and famous, then I would be praised. I mean, I have come to terms with the fact that I am a bum, but damn-it, I am a hard working bum. I could always make excuses, about my arm being messed up, hell, I could probably even get on disability(which people tell me all the time), but I haven’t. I’m just struggling everyday to make it.
       So now, the whole idea behind ” you only live once” is getting confusing to me. Do I keep pushing my life to the edge and hope for greatness after I die? Or do I change everything, strive for a long, healthy life and give up who and what I really am?