The one thing that has always been there for me is Heroin. I started dabbling with it when I was 17, then pretty much quit for about 5yrs., after I move to the beach. Then I moved back to the D.C. area I got re-acquainted with it really quick, and have been in love ever since.
I’ve lost many friends, and had my heart broken over and over, but heroin(except when I’m broke or sick) has been there to help pull me through it all. That is what always makes it so hard to quit. It’s like breaking up with someone that you know you can always go back to.
I can’t even count the number of people that have tried to get me to quit, mostly through guilt. Knowing in my heart the whole time I had no intentions of quitting. Of coarse, I would try to get clean. I’ve been through so many different treatment, and no of them worked. I mean how could it? Sobriety is something you have to want, not something you are forced to do!!
I mean there were a couple of times that I put myself in treatment. Don’t get me wrong though, it wasn’t to get clean. For the most part it was because my habit was getting too expensive and I had to cut back, so I would go into treatment. I would get clean and start all over again. Sound crazy? Well, not to me!! I have never been able to picture a life without heroin. I have never wanted to be completely clean. It just makes my life totally worthless!!
In 2007, my life took a horrible turn. I lost my job, because my boss wanted to build a house for his sister. The whole job was a nightmare and we ended up losing our steady jobs. Of coarse after that happened, who is going to hire a person with an addiction. Even though getting high only effected my working abilities once, finding a job is almost impossible. I could of tried to keep it secret, but having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer is a dead give away. Not to mention, I am horrible when it comes to finding work. Most of the jobs I have had have been given to me. Which explains why I have an Associates Degree in computer technology, but I am a really good Carpenter. Finding work for me is really hard, but I will say that once I start a job, I usually am one of the top workers, no matter what the job is. I have no problem picking up a broom and doing work most people would consider remedial. My philosophy is the work has to be done and someone has to do it, so instead of complaining, just get it done!!! I try to never say no when it comes to people asking me to work. No matter how difficult it is. I have always loved to learn, most people are stuck in their ways and think they know what is right. My attitude is, I can always learn something new, even if it is someone not as experienced, there is always something they might do differently. I would say it is one of my strongest qualities. That and loyalty
So after that happened I couldn’t afford to support my habit anymore. I had no choice but to start back on methadone, I haven’t worked since. There are the occasional days that I am able to get high. On these days, I can accomplish everything.
I have spent the last 4 months weening myself off of the methadone, I am now down to 5mg!!! I am coming off 1mg every week, and believe me, I feel every MG. To me it is worth it. I still find myself messing around though, even though it is not at all on a schedule or planned, I manage to indulge in heroin about once or twice a month, if that. I have just realized that America will never start a Heroin Assisted Treatment Program and the only way I can stay off of methadone, is to stay away from everything. I mean, the whole process of getting high, from waiting around, to getting bad stuff, to dealing with the police is just not worth the happiness I experience when I get high. I just have to except that I am never going to be able to achieve that happiness again. The only alternative, is to move to a country which has these programs. I have even had counselors tell me that I need to do this.
It took me a long time to realize that the majority of people have no understanding of drugs. Trying to explain that my life would be 100% better if I could be medical administered heroin, just sounds crazy to most people. The honest and most sobering realization that I have had, was the fact that people would rather see me miserable and completely useless, rather than happy and on heroin. I realize the whole concept is one that sounds to most people like an excuse, but in my case it is the truth.
The truth of the matter is(and I am not bragging), that I never was a bad person on heroin. I know the stereo-type about junkies is that they can’t be trusted and they have lost all their morals. This simply is the opposite with me, heroin actually let me be a better person. I worked hard for my habit!! I opened up more and even found a closer relationship with God. It made me realize that I didn’t need other drugs(especially Alcohol, which by the way is ten times worse and I despise) because I was content with life and finally normal for once in my life.
Since I have been weening off of methadone and not really getting high at all, I have noticed a big difference. I no longer go to church every Sunday, I no longer care as much about myself. I guess it is just something I have to get use to and except. Because, believe me, I want (for once in a very long time) to be free. If someone asks me to go somewhere, I want the option to go. I haven’t left the D.C. area in over a decade!! So I guess the bottom line is… this time, I am not only quitting so I can get high again, this time I am just plain quitting!!!
Boarded up buildings plague these streets
Old crackhouses have been put to sleep
Girls on the corner pulling their tricks
Junkies come and go looking for a fix
One block gets busted they move to the next
Pushing their shit thinking they have the best
Police on your ass and as your copping more shit
You’d rarther be dead then in jail fucking sick
The lucky ones die, cause the hell never ends
You lose all you have, you lose all your friends
Even if your clean, people can seem to forgive
Sobriety makes eveyday much harder to live
Chorus: Junkies all once had normal lives
Addicted, too many reasons why
No more pain,just shame and misery
No hope, no life, friends or family
You’ve got to push on no matter how bad
Anything is better than the life you had
Clean for a while and the pain’s here to stay
The hell never ends and the regrets don’t fade
Boredem sets in with only one cure in sight
Building back trust is an everyday fight
Temptations of life get harder to face
You finally give in to that warm embrace
Have I lost it,is it gone
Where the hell did I go wrong?
How could I let it get me again?
Not quit dead, but facing the end
It’s been a long time
I’m always losing my mind
Craving addiction once more
It’s time to kick this shit
Pick myself up off the floor
Getting nothing done and I feel no pain
It happens so slow didn’t notice the change
Trying so hard, it’s been so long
Got to get back to where I belong
I can’t create without the pain
Everyday goes by exactly the same
Nothing is different when you just need a fix
Just making your money so you don’t get sick
Just got off an 8 month binge
3 to 5 days of being sick again
Once again I have lost my mind
I’ve gone nowhere, just wasting more time
Paradise in hell has trapped my fate
Once your caught there is no escape
How can hell feel so great?
Your only immune if you can’t relate
One things addict always forget
Is the pain they indured before
Right when you think you’ve kicked
Your right back down for more
Time flies by when your getting high
Nothing gets accomplished and you wonder why
I Started to need $150 a day
Doing anything to avoid the pain