Most people dream of life on a beautiful Island, with people waiting on them and every need met. Also, when asked if they had three wish’s, most people ask for money or women or something they think will better their lives. Junky’s think completely different.
A junky only has one thing one their mind. Ask me what my heart desires and even if I am straight, I will say heroin. I could care less where I am or what I am doing. My second answer, is to have thick flowing veins, so I can make sure to be able to do all my Heroin.
I have quit a million times and am currently sober, but give me free heroin and that status will quickly change. Every time I have quit, it was because of money, too high a habit or bad product. Even collapsed blown out veins and an arm that is totally ruined didn’t give me the incentive to stop. This may be shocking to hear, and if you ask most junky’s, they will deny that they want to keep using.
Honestly though, a junky’s life is a life of deception. It’s not because we want to lie, it’s because heroin has such a bad stigma attached to it, that we are forced to lie. I see it all the time, every junky, even me, is so programed to “act” like they want to quit, that is all they talk about. If you actually pay attention to an addict though, they talk so much about quitting, they actually believe it, but believing it and doing it are completely different. Junkies say over and over, I’m quitting, but they continue to get high day in and day out.
Most of the times I quit, it was just so I could bring my habit down. I have actually been in rehab, telling the counselors “I don’t plan on quitting, I just want to be able to afford getting high.”
The funny thing is, the counselors are so programed to get people through rehab, that they are just glad that you are there. They figure, if you are there long enough, they can reprogram you and you’ll never do drugs again. I’ve actually seen this work, and believe me, if it is what you truly want, then I am completely supportive. People definitely get out of hand with drugs, and they will destroy their lives, mine included.
The thing most people and counselors don’t realize, or don’t seem to understand, is that heroin isn’t a drug, it is a life. Once you have been down that road, the road back is long and very painful. Relapsing is just part of the addiction. If you have had a habit and gotten clean, without relapse, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. I have never experience it, but it might exist.
Every time I write one of these blogs, I feel I need to stress the fact that I am the biggest hypocrite you’ll will ever meet. I’ve had people ask me to get them high and I absolutely refuse!!! There is no way I am putting their soul on my shoulders!!! If you have never done dope and are thinking about it, don’t!!! It will be the biggest mistake you ever make.
Well, once again, I have completely gotten off topic. My main point is, every time I watch a show or movie about wish’s I think, I would wish for unlimited dope and nice veins. I know I should think, I wish for this habit to be gone, but that thought wouldn’t even come into play and if it did, I would dismiss it quickly. I know it seems right to most rational people, but a junky is not rational.
Basically, I want to be rich and famous, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, I want to be rich so I can afford more dope, not so I can have a nice life. Most junky’s will tell you “If I was rich, I would leave this life and be happy,” but that is a lie. The worst part is, it is a lie even the junky believes.
If I had a million dollars today, I would be buying heroin as soon as the check cleared. Hell with my junky mind, I could probably get it before the check cleared!!!
Well, it’s March 8, 2012. If you would have asked me last November what my future had in store, I would say Death. For the last 4 1/2 yrs. I have been slowly dying on methadone, with no hope or will to survive. I was sleeping my life away and the methadone was consuming my soul.I had no inspiration and no drive to stop the process, I was content to die!
Back in August of 2011 one of my friends loaned me his VCR with a VHS to DVD converter, I started watching old videos of me playing live with my old band and decided to start uploading videos to the internet. It was a slow process, but I started to get the hang of it.
It was both a happy and sad time, I was so happy to finally digitize my old videos, but unfortunately watching these videos brought back memories of my best friend, Darrell. He was the guitarist/singer/bassist that I was in so many bands with. I also played guitar/bass and sang(not mention almost every other instrument except horns), but unfortunately in August of 97’ he died.And I was the last person with him. The detective told me that he had done so many different drugs that nothing would have saved him! Although I was with him, I had no idea(nor did the other people that he was around getting drugs with) what else he was doing or had done. It’s been so long and I still miss him everyday.
So after loading a couple videos, I was hoping to digitize my other music. I’ve been wanting to do this for years, I’ve had countless people tell me they had the right stuff to do it, but none of them ever came through. It finally happened when one of my elementary school friends, that I got back in touch with on facebook after 25yrs. offered to loan me a analog to digital converter. I was ecstatic, though I don’t like borrowing things from people because something bad always happens to them. So I started looking into getting my own interface. I had tried a few things on my old computer, but without the interface, it sounded horrible. It finally happened and I sat down in one day and just learned everything about how to do the conversions. I’ve now come to realize you just have to start working on these things and not get frustrated with all the trial and error.My biggest problem is that I want to do everything in one day. I was at it for 10hrs straight, I had deleted and started over or messed up and lost stuff countless times.I almost gave up(at least for that day), but I pushed through and accomplished it. I think that was the end of November, and ever since I’ve been on a mad tear.
I started learning how to make videos with my music and the lyrics. I would come home from going to the clinic at 6am. If I didn’t pass out right then, I would stay up and make a video. It took a while, but I got the hang of it. I was happy for a while, A feeling I thought was gone forever.
Then by some miracle, I decided to start detoxing off of the meth. It had been so long, that I thought my life was over. I had tried it a million times, but every time I got down to about 18mg, I would mess up and have to go right back up.I wasn’t on a very high dose, only 36mg, but it was enough to keep me hooked forever, so it seemed. I’m still not off, but at this time, I am down to 9mg and fighting every mg tooth and nail!! I don’t really sleep anymore, but I would rather not sleep, than sleep my life away!!
Well I guess to understand the last five yearsof my life, I should go back a to where it all started. Most of my life has been plagued by drugs and mental instability. From a young age(13) I sought out an escape. By 15, I was sent to a rehab, even though I only drank and smoked weed. This taught me how to do bigger and better drugs, my parents biggest regret to this day was listening to other people’s advice and sending me to rehab.
After rehab, I had a mental breakdown(while sober I must add) and was sent to the psych ward. Though I must say, it was more like a resort than a hospital, but I digress. Most of my teenage and adult years were spent living a roller-coaster life. I’m not really bi-polar, bi-polar to me would be a step down. I have more of an extreme personality, in every aspect of my life. I’m either on top or on bottom, there is never a in between for me.
Even though I learned early on that I might think I’m suicidal, there is no way I would ever be able to do it, and talking about it or acting on it only ends you up in places, I for one never wanted to go to again. So I focused all my attention on the three things I loved the most, music, art and writing(mostly poetry, but I have started a few books and then lost them). I just learned to deal with all the other parts of my mental state. The depression, the insomnia(from my mind racing a million miles an hour and never stopping), and all the other ups and downs of my life.
Eventually, I ended up in Va. Beach and started in computer technology, school was always boring and easy to me(which is why I got kicked out in 11th grade and got my G.E.D), everyone told me I should go into computers, because I could make a lot of money. The only problem was, I learned quickly that I didn’t like that environment, but I did get really good grades. Not to mention all my focus was on my music, art and poetry.
So after finishing school and years of various drugs and drinking(which by the way I hate alcohol, but that is a completely different story all together) I found this miracle drug heroin. It was the answer to everything(so it seemed). I had dabbled with it years before and loved it, but never got as involved as I would.
I moved back to the D.C. area and quickly formed a couple bands with two former band mates. The band started progressing pretty quickly, I got a loan and built a studio in my basement and was doing really good. The band had a few set backs, like the guitarist/singer broke his arm, but I would just switch back and forth from bass to guitar(I was mainly a guitarist, but I loved playing the bass). We were only a three piece band and we switched back and forth between guitar and bass. I had a two piece band in Va Beach, just me and a drummer. I had written a bunch of songs with many different styles, I have always loved every kind of music(except country).
After my guitarist’s arm heal we were full throttle, getting gigs, making demos and just trying to make it full speed. After a while, the band broke up for some stupid reason, but we were all pretty close. Within that same year things got really bad for my guitarist and he ended up dying. This completely destroyed me. I was already getting more and more into the heroin and less into my creativity. I ended up selling most of my equipment.
I guess at this point I should mention that I never did anything with my degree, I worked a lot of construction jobs here and there with different friends, but like I said my mood swings and insomnia kept me from being a productive member of society(for many years I longed to be normal and live a normal life). Before the heroin, my working skills were horrible, but I always thought of it this way, I worked night and day on my creative outlets and even though I might not make any money now, one day after I die, someone is going to get rich.
As my heroin use progressed and my music equipment shrank, I realized I needed to work more to support my habit. I was never a good criminal, so I knew that was never an option. I just threw myself into work full time as a carpenter(even though I’m an only child I had a real close friend that I consider his whole family, my family and they were all master carpenters). I pretty much always had a job whenever I wanted it.
Maybe now you can kind of get a picture of where I am going with this. even though my creative outlets were gone, the heroin allowed me to go to sleep at a descent hour and wake up really early, for once in my life I was considered a productive part of society.
After a few years of heroin use, everyone was on my case to quit, I tried everything, but knew down deep inside that I didn’t want to quit. I always said that I would never go on methadone, but after falling deeply in love with this one girl, I gave in and started a methadone program.
Once on methadone, I stopped working. Something about methadone just doesn’t work for me. I know a few people it has worked for, but for the most part, it just makes people zombies!!! After a while, I lost my girlfriend and decided to go back on heroin.
I called up my old boss(more like brother) and he gave me some work. This was early 2003. Everything was great for about 4 years. I went from making $12 an hr to $17 an hr with a year. He would trust me most of the time to run things if he wasn’t there. There was even a few people that worked with us that had more experience, but he knew I learned quicker and was a lot more loyal.
Everything was great, even though I hadn’t done anything creative, I was finally a “normal” person. Most people didn’t even know I had an addiction. In the 4 years I worked there, I only missed one day, when my dealer at the time ran out and I couldn’t go to work sick. I was the first one there and the last to leave. Life couldn’t get any better in my opinion. I loved working and I loved heroin. Also, people had finally excepted the fact that I wasn’t going to quit and if they didn’t, I didn’t need them anyways(in my opinion), the people that truly loved me, understood.
In late 2006, my boss made a decision that would change me forever. His sister needed a house built an he decided to build it. We had enough people working with us, that he figured he could split us up into two crews. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out like planned and we lost our steady job. Though it didn’t matter at the time, because we had work.
Well, his sisters house turned out to be a nightmare. One problem after the other. By Feb. of 2007, everything fell apart and I ended up back on methadone. I just couldn’t afford my habit anymore, I tried selling dope, but that was even more of a mistake, I just wasn’t cut out to be a drug dealer. You can’t do the drugs you are selling, it just doesn’t work.
Before I went back on methadone, I had a real problem. I got some dope with some bad cut and it just about took off all the skin on my right arm. Luckily, I’m left handed though. As it healed my arm locked up and I haven’t been able to straighten it out since. My wrist is permanently bent over, if I want to straighten my hand, I have to pull it up.
I went to the hospital and $10,000 later it is still messed up. They told me they wanted to cut it off, but I told them as long as I can move my fingers, it is STAYING!!! The doctor asked me “even if it means you will die?” and I boldly told her “YES”!!!
Since I couldn’t work anymore, I got back on methadone and it has been complete hell ever since. My breathing got so bad, I would almost collapse just going down 5 stairs!!!I haven’t really worked a day since I started the methadone. Except the occasional times when someone offered to buy me dope for work. If I had dope, I could still work pretty good. Even with my arm messed up, by biggest problem is my breathing. Luckily heroin suppresses your breathing and work was easy. Unfortunately, no one wants to hire someone as messed up as me. Even if they did, the methadone has messed me up so bad, I wouldn’t be able to do it
I literally was preparing to die!!! I thought my time here was going to end real soon. I was sleeping 12-18 hrs a day. In fact, the only time I left my house was to go to the methadone clinic and then I came right back home. The weeks turned into months and then into years. Before I knew it 4 1/2 years had passed and I was at deaths door, with no hope in sight!!!
It’s strange how quickly you can lose everything and not even care, I was feeling so useless that I greeted death with open arms. I almost welcomed it. Anything to relieve me from the boring worthless life I was living!!!