Climbing to the Top

      O.k, let me just start out by saying that these are just a couple of ideas that I use when trying to write poetry. I don’t use any of these ideas with every poem all of the time, in fact most are just techniques I started to do when I got all caught up on being “Mr. Perfect!!!” 
       I find a lot of the time I am trying to push my writing(like now). I have a small idea and I try to make it into a masterpiece!!! My favorite time to write, is when I have nothing going on in my head(which lately has been happening a lot more) and all of the sudden this great idea appears out of no where. This rarely happens, but when it does….it is MAGICAL!!!! The poem or Blog almost writes itself. My biggest problem with this, is that I don’t know where to end it. I’ll have this great poem or story and then I try to fatten it up with a bunch of jibber-jabber.
      I would say that probably 75-85% of my poetry is one great verse. Then I start to fluff it up by using one of the techniques I am about to show you. Hell, sometimes all I have is the tittle, which means that the whole piece is fluff!! It’s all about how you want the piece to be. I mean is it a poem that tells a story, does it rhyme, and how does it rhyme? Is every line gonna rhyme with the next or is it every other line? If you want, you can even have the words rhyme within the same line. Or maybe just the last line in every or every other verse. The choices are unlimited!!! I think the thing that took me the longest to figure out was, this is “MY” poem, and I can write it how ever I want!!!! Unless of coarse it is an assignment or for some contest, but that is a whole different scenario anyways, if that is what you are into, then that is awesome!!!! Just make sure that the end result is for you and not someone else.
      Some people are born with the talent to write and then others have to work their whole lives for it and still never grasp how to write. I was one of the lucky ones, I guess. Writing to me was second nature, well, that is until I tried to force it. Then I dried up and stopped writing all together, but that too has passed(I hope). Well, look… all this rambling an nothing about how to write, maybe it was all a lie and I have no technique!!!! AHAHAHAHA, it’s all just a way to get people to read my blogs!!!! AHAHAHAHA. O.K., seriously now, I will get down to business.
      My first technique has to do with rhyming. When I get stuck on a word and I want to find something to rhyme it with, I just start with the first letter of the alphabet and work down. Lets take the word “PAIN” (my favorite word, I even have it tattooed on my right forearm{I’m not even joking, “SORROW” is on the other arm, but this isn’t a blog about tattoos..so I digress}) for instance.  I take the word “PAIN” and start at the top. “A” doesn’t work, so I move on to “B” bane, doesn’t work either, but “Brain” might, or even “Blame.” What’s the reason I have all this pain…In my brain? Obviously, you are the only one to “Blame!!”
     Then you can keep going, if you are satisfied with “B” then move on to “C.” Your the only one to blame, you tied me up, I can’t break your “Chains.” Then you can move on to “D” I can’t break these chains, my love was drained.
     So then you generally want to skip A,E,I,O,U, but not always, like I said, this is your poem, if it works then use it!!! So next comes “F.” Maybe you want to do it every other line(this is all off of the top of my head, so bare with me!!) My love for you was drained, I no longer have a soul, Consumed by your flames, Into the darkness, Paradise will never be the same. 
     O.K., see, I skipped around. I mainly only use this technique when I get stuck. Most of the time, I try to rely on the feeling of the poem or story to carry me through. That of coarse was just a simple example, but I think I made my point. It is all about context and content. Don’t rely on some trick to make you think you are some great writer all of the sudden. Everyone(including me) wants the easy solution to everything. Just because it works, doesn’t mean it will always work!!! Every poem must start with a feeling or good idea.
     I must be honest though, and tell you, I really have a hard time reading poetry, because to me it is just a bunch of words put together. I know it sounds bad, but it is true. Don’t get me wrong, words mean everything to me and that is what really captured my heart about music. I just have a hard time reading other people’s writings. I just think that in order to really understand the feelings and soul of the writer, they must be the one to read it!!!! That is why, when you find that one great song that just speaks right to you, nothing is better. It lets you know that there are other people out there that are going through your pain and feeling the same way that you do. Sometimes, they might even help you to pull through it or understand why things are the way they are.
     My next biggest tip happens when you get stuck on a word and you’ve gone through the whole alphabet and have come up with nothing!! My favorite thing about words is that there are so many words that mean the same thing. Take the sentence, “I’m riding in my car.” That can be switched so many ways “Traveling in my car”, “Driving in my car” just plain “we were in my car” and so on. Most of the time, if I can’t find something to rhyme, I’ll just go back and change the last word, so Instead of “Driving in my car” I’ll say, “In my car we were riding” so now, I can go through the alphabet and try to find something to rhyme with “Riding”  or maybe I’ll leave “Car” out completely, “We were cruising along just the other day”, so see, the possibilities are endless!!
      My last tip, is probably the best tip of all and the simplest!!! If you are really stuck on something and just not feeling it at all, then stop!!! Don’t give up and DON’T… I REPEAT DON’T throw it away!!!! I know it’s easy to get discouraged and think it completely sucks, which by the way, I have done so many times, it is sickening!!!! But don’t do it!!! Just stop, take a break, maybe take a week, a month or however long it takes!!! I’ve gone back years after starting something and found I had actually written some pretty awesome, a little tweaking and it turned out to be some of my best stuff!!! It might have had a completely different meaning by then, but it still turned out great!!! Whatever you do, don’t throw it away, well unless it really sucks, then it’s O.K. to ditch it!!!! AHAHAHAHA just kidding. The thing is, you started this writing because of an idea or a feeling. So if you give it some time, the idea or feeling might get stronger and the words might just start to flow the next time you sit down and write.
    Good luck, I think you can take it from here, just remember that writing is just a way to express your feelings. A way to make a connection with other people that might be going through the same thing you are. Maybe it’s something you’ve already conquered and there is someone out there right now, trying to make it through the same thing. Whatever you do, don’t write because you feel it is what someone else wants!!! I mean, of coarse there will be assignments and stuff, but do them because you want to, not because you have to. Life is all about perspective!!! When I was growing up, I remember everyone always dreaded the writing assignments!!! Not me, I thrived on them!!! Spelling and vocabulary are a different situation all together, my spelling and grammar are horrible, thank GOD FOR SPELLCHECK!!!!! Take it easy, writing can be fun!!! Not to mention a great way to get out bottled up emotions. If it wasn’t for writing, I would probably be in a mental hospital right now!!!!(not that I’m too far off as we speak)

      When I was younger, I really didn’t understand why men were gay. I just couldn’t comprehend how a man could be attracted to another man. In fact, I use to joke around that I felt sorry for women, just because men are so disgusting. Then I would add, if I was a women, I could see being gay, because women are so beautiful. 
      So for many years, I was very ignorant about the subject. I would laugh and put down gay people. Mainly just as a defense mechanism because I didn’t understand what it meant to be gay.  Also, it must have been ingrained in me that being gay was evil and that gay men would prey on anyone of the same sex. If I even thought someone was gay, I would stay far away or do everything I could to put this man down to prove that I wasn’t gay.
      Then one day, a couple of my close friends invited me to go hang out. I was horrified when I got there and realized that most of the people at this house were gay. I quickly put up my defenses and left. The whole ride home, I joked on all the people in the house and criticized my friends for putting me in that messed up situation. To be honest it was my first real encounter with gay people. I mean, growing up there were people that I expected might be gay, but like I said, I stayed far away from anyone that might be remotely gay.
       So a few weeks passed and I had forgotten the whole incident. I was invited to go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I had loved going to ever since I was 16(I was around 20 at this point). In Virginia Beach, the movie is completely different than in Fairfax(where I used to go and watch the midnight movie). In Fairfax, everyone hung-out on the floor in front of the screen and just did whatever they pleased. Well, in Virginia Beach there were actors portraying each character that actually acted out each scene on a stage in front of the screen. Other people participated,  but mostly from their own seats. It wasn’t the free for all that Fairfax was.
       So one of my best friends was offered a roll as Rocky. I couldn’t wait to go. It had been a few years since I had gone, so I jumped at the chance to go. Well, when we got there I was in shock to find out that most of the cast were the same gay guys that were at the house. I tried to keep my composure, but all I could think of was “Is my friend Gay? Oh my God, what do I do now?” I was freaking out. All this time, I was afraid of gay people and it turns out that my friend is one of them….this just can’t be!!! So I asked him what he was doing with all these gay people. He kind of laughed and told me to relax. Then he wanted to know what my problem was, hadn’t I ever been around Gay people before. I boldly told him no and that I didn’t ever planning on being around them either!!! I did slowly start going over to the “Gay House” as I called it, but I was never comfortable doing so.
       A few months went by and one of the guys that started hanging around with us was a black guy that was really feminine. He was very open about being gay. It took me a while to get to the point that I could even talk to him, in fact one time we were in the kitchen and he was like “There is something in your hair…I would get it out, but I’m afraid you might hit me.” I told him, yeah don’t even think about touching me!! He just kinda laughed and asked me why a guy that is 6’ 2’ 185lbs is so scared of a guy that is barely 5’ 7” 120lbs. I told him, I am not comfortable around gay people. I will say that, I was one to always say what I felt. I figured if I am going to say something about someone, I am going to say it to them first.
        After hanging out a few times, I got comfortable enough around him to actually hold a conversation with him. I started asking him why he was gay. I wanted to know why he didn’t just “try” to be with women. He told he had tried to be with women many times and it was just gross to him. Then he put it into a perspective for me that just clicked. He said “You know how you look at another man and are not attracted to them at all, well when I look at a women I feel the exact same way.” 
        Over the years we became really good friends. I did actually find out that he liked me, but I will say he always respected the fact that I wasn’t gay. Honestly, the only thing he ever did in the manner of hitting on me was, after I moved back to the beach while trying to kick heroin, he ask me if I had ever thought about letting other guys blow me for money. Which I said no, and that was it. I’ll even go so far as to admit, I was kinda flattered when I learned that he had a little crush on me.
         I had heard for a long time that homophobic people are that way because they are secretly GAY. So for the longest time, I questioned myself  ”Could I really be gay?” Then I realized, I never have cared what other people think about me or who or what I am. My looks and actions go against everything that is considered normal. If I was gay, I would be proud to be gay. It would just be another explanation into why I was always so different.
        I was homophobic because it was something I didn’t understand and wouldn’t try to understand. I was never taught by my parents to be prejudice, they always taught me to respect and honor everyone, no matter who or what they were. I’m pretty sure my ignorance came from the people I hung out with when I was younger, we always joked on and about gay people, so I thought it was wrong and disgusting. Once I understand what being gay was about though, I was never homophobic again.
         I realized that it is so unfair to try to change someone into something they were never meant to be. Not is it only unfair to them, but trying to force a person that is gay into a heterosexuality relationship is so unfair to the other person too. I mean how many times have you heard stories about people that were married and had kids, then years later one of them comes out and the family is left devastated? This isn’t fair to anyone.
        The way I see it, if someone is lucky enough to find some in this messed up world that they connect with, then they should hold on to them as long as they can. No one should be able to tell them they are wrong!!! Just like it isn’t natural for a straight person to be expected to be gay. It isn’t natural for someone gay to try to be straight. Being gay isn’t a choice!!!! Gay people aren’t trying to force straight people to be gay. SO STRAIGHT PEOPLE SHOULDN’T BE TRYING TO FORCE GAY PEOPLE TO BE STRAIGHT!!!!

       Most people dream of life on a beautiful Island, with people waiting on them and every need met. Also, when asked if they had three wish’s, most people ask for money or women or something they think will better their lives. Junky’s think completely different.
       A junky only has one thing one their mind. Ask me what my heart desires and even if I am straight, I will say heroin. I could care less where I am or what I am doing. My second answer, is to have thick flowing veins, so I can make sure to be able to do all my Heroin.
      I have quit a million times and am currently sober, but give me free heroin and that status will quickly change. Every time I have quit, it was because of money, too high a habit or bad product. Even collapsed blown out veins and an arm that is totally ruined didn’t give me the incentive to stop. This may be shocking to hear, and if you ask most junky’s, they will deny that they want to keep using.
     Honestly though, a junky’s life is a life of deception. It’s not because we want to lie, it’s because heroin has such a bad stigma attached to it, that we are forced to lie. I see it all the time, every junky, even me, is so programed to “act” like they want to quit, that is all they talk about. If you actually pay attention to an addict though, they talk so much about quitting, they actually believe it, but believing it and doing it are completely different. Junkies say over and over, I’m quitting, but they continue to get high day in and day out.
      Most of the times I quit, it was just so I could bring my habit down. I have actually been in rehab, telling the counselors “I don’t plan on quitting, I just want to be able to afford getting high.”
      The funny thing is, the counselors are so programed to get people through rehab, that they are just glad that you are there. They figure, if you are there long enough, they can reprogram you and you’ll never do drugs again. I’ve actually seen this work, and believe me, if it is what you truly want, then I am completely supportive. People definitely get out of hand with drugs, and they will destroy their lives, mine included.
       The thing most people and counselors don’t realize, or don’t seem to understand, is that heroin isn’t a drug, it is a life. Once you have been down that road, the road back is long and very painful. Relapsing is just part of the addiction. If you have had a habit and gotten clean, without relapse, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. I have never experience it, but it might exist.
       Every time I write one of these blogs, I feel I need to stress the fact that I am the biggest hypocrite you’ll will ever meet. I’ve had people ask me to get them high and I absolutely refuse!!! There is no way I am putting their soul on my shoulders!!! If you have never done dope and are thinking about it, don’t!!! It will be the biggest mistake you ever make.
       Well, once again, I have completely gotten off topic. My main point is, every time I watch a show or movie about wish’s I think, I would wish for unlimited dope and nice veins. I know I should think, I wish for this habit to be gone, but that thought wouldn’t even come into play and if it did, I would dismiss it quickly. I know it seems right to most rational people, but a junky is not rational.
       Basically, I want to be rich and famous, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, I want to be rich so I can afford more dope, not so I can have a nice life. Most junky’s will tell you “If I was rich, I would leave this life and be happy,” but that is a lie. The worst part is, it is a lie even the junky believes.
       If I had a million dollars today, I would be buying heroin as soon as the check cleared. Hell with my junky mind, I could probably get it before the check cleared!!!