Climbing to the Top

Junky Logic

A Junky’s Dream

Quitting to Get High

      The one thing that has always been there for me is Heroin. I started dabbling with it when I was 17, then pretty much quit for about 5yrs., after I move to the beach. Then I moved back to the D.C. area I  got re-acquainted with it really quick, and have been in love ever since.
       I’ve lost many friends, and had my heart broken over and over, but heroin(except when I’m broke or sick) has been there to help pull me through it all. That is what always makes it so hard to quit. It’s like breaking up with someone that you know you can always go back to.
       I can’t even count the number of people that have tried to get me to quit, mostly through guilt. Knowing in my heart the whole time I had no intentions of quitting. Of coarse, I would try to get clean. I’ve been through so many different treatment, and no of them worked. I mean how could it? Sobriety is something you have to want, not something you are forced to do!!
       I mean there were a couple of times that I put myself in treatment. Don’t get me wrong though, it wasn’t to get clean. For the most part it was because my habit was getting too expensive and I had to cut back, so I would go into treatment. I would get clean and start all over again. Sound crazy? Well, not to me!! I have never been able to picture a life without heroin. I have never wanted to be completely clean. It just makes my life totally worthless!!
       In 2007, my life took a horrible turn. I lost my job, because my boss wanted to build a house for his sister. The whole job was a nightmare and we ended up losing our steady jobs. Of coarse after that happened, who is going to hire a person with an addiction. Even though getting high only effected my working abilities once, finding a job is almost impossible. I could of tried to keep it secret, but having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer is a dead give away. Not to mention, I am horrible when it comes to finding work. Most of the jobs I have had have been given to me. Which explains why I have an Associates Degree in computer technology, but I am a really good Carpenter. Finding work for me is really hard, but I will say that once I start a job, I usually am one of the top workers, no matter what the job is. I have no problem picking up a broom and doing work most people would consider remedial. My philosophy is the work has to be done and someone has to do it, so instead of complaining, just get it done!!! I try to never say no when it comes to people asking me to work. No matter how difficult it is. I have always loved to learn, most people are stuck in their ways and think they know what is right. My attitude is, I can always learn something new, even if it is someone not as experienced, there is always something they might do differently. I would say it is one of my strongest qualities. That and loyalty
       So after that happened I couldn’t afford to support my habit anymore. I had no choice but to start back on methadone, I haven’t worked since. There are the occasional days that I am able to get high. On these days, I can accomplish everything.
       I have spent the last 4 months weening myself off of the methadone, I am now down to 5mg!!! I am coming off 1mg every week, and believe me, I feel every MG. To me it is worth it. I still find myself messing around though, even though it is not at all on a schedule or planned, I manage to indulge in heroin about once or twice a month, if that. I have just realized that America will never start a Heroin Assisted Treatment Program and the only way I can stay off of methadone, is to stay away from everything. I mean, the whole process of getting high, from waiting around, to getting bad stuff, to dealing with the police is just not worth the happiness I experience when I get high. I just have to except that I am never going to be able to achieve that happiness again. The only alternative, is to move to a country which has these programs. I have even had counselors tell me that I need to do this.
       It took me a long time to realize that the majority of people have no understanding of drugs. Trying to explain that my life would be 100% better if I could be medical administered heroin, just sounds crazy to most people. The honest and most sobering realization that I have had, was the fact that people would rather see me miserable and completely useless, rather than happy and on heroin. I realize the whole concept is one that sounds to most people like an excuse, but in my case it is the truth.
       The truth of the matter is(and I am  not bragging), that I never was a bad person on heroin. I know the stereo-type about junkies is that they can’t be trusted and they have lost all their morals. This simply is the opposite with me, heroin actually let me be a better person. I worked hard for my habit!! I opened up more and even found a closer relationship with God. It made me realize that I didn’t need other drugs(especially Alcohol, which by the way is ten times worse and I despise) because I was content with life and finally normal for once in my life.
        Since I have been weening off of methadone and not really getting high at all, I have noticed a big difference. I no longer go to church every Sunday, I no longer care as much about myself. I guess it is just something I have to get use to and except. Because, believe me, I want (for once in a very long time) to be free. If someone asks me to go somewhere, I want the option to go. I haven’t left the D.C. area in over a decade!! So I guess the bottom line is… this time, I am not only quitting so I can get high again, this time I am just plain quitting!!!

Junky

All My Lies

Without Pain

Paradise in Hell

Miracles

Well, it’s March 8, 2012. If you would have asked me last November what my future had in store, I would say Death. For the last 4 1/2 yrs. I have been slowly dying on methadone, with no hope or will to survive. I was sleeping my life away and the methadone was consuming my soul.I had no inspiration and no drive to stop the process, I was content to die!
           Back in August of 2011 one of my friends loaned me his  VCR with a VHS to DVD converter, I started watching old videos of me playing live with my old band and decided to start uploading videos to the internet. It was a slow process, but I started to get the hang of it.
           It was both a happy and sad time, I was so happy to finally digitize my old videos, but unfortunately watching these videos brought back memories of my best friend, Darrell. He was the guitarist/singer/bassist that I was in so many bands with. I also played guitar/bass and sang(not mention almost every other  instrument except horns), but unfortunately in August of 97’ he died.And I was the last person with him. The detective told me that he had done so many different drugs that nothing would have saved him! Although I was with him, I had no idea(nor did the other people that he was around getting drugs with) what else he was doing or had done. It’s been so long and I still miss him everyday.
           So after loading a couple videos, I was hoping to digitize my other music. I’ve been wanting to do this for years, I’ve had countless people tell me they had the right stuff to do it, but none of them ever came through. It finally happened when one of my elementary school friends, that I got back in touch with on facebook after 25yrs. offered to loan me a analog to digital converter. I was ecstatic, though I don’t like borrowing things from people because something bad always happens to them. So I started looking into getting my own interface. I had tried a few things on my old computer, but without the interface, it sounded horrible. It finally happened and I sat down in one day and just learned everything about how to do the conversions. I’ve now come to realize you just have to start working on these things and not get frustrated with all the trial and error.My biggest problem is that I want to do everything in one day. I was at it for 10hrs straight, I had deleted and started over or messed up and lost stuff countless times.I almost gave up(at least for that day), but I pushed through and accomplished it. I think that was the end of November, and ever since I’ve been on a mad tear.
           I started learning how to make videos with my music and the lyrics. I would come home from going to the clinic at 6am. If I didn’t pass out right then, I would stay up and make a video. It took a while, but I got the hang of it. I was happy for a while, A feeling I thought was gone forever.
           Then by some miracle, I decided to start detoxing off of the meth. It had been so long, that I thought my life was over. I had tried it a million times, but every time I got down to about 18mg, I would mess up and have to go right back up.I wasn’t on a very high dose, only 36mg, but it was enough to keep me hooked forever, so it seemed. I’m still not off, but at this time, I am down to 9mg and fighting every mg tooth and nail!! I don’t really sleep anymore, but I would rather not sleep, than sleep my life away!!

5yrs Down

     Well I guess to understand the last five yearsof my life, I should go back a to where it all started. Most of my life has been plagued by drugs and mental instability. From a young age(13) I sought out an escape. By 15, I was sent to a rehab, even though I only drank and smoked weed. This taught me how to do bigger and better drugs, my parents biggest regret to this day was listening to other people’s advice and sending me to rehab.
          After rehab, I had a mental breakdown(while sober I must add) and was sent to the psych ward. Though I must say, it was more like a resort than a hospital, but I digress. Most of my teenage and adult years were spent living a roller-coaster life. I’m not really bi-polar, bi-polar to me would be a step down. I have more of an extreme personality, in every aspect of my life. I’m either on top or on bottom, there is never a in between for me.
          Even though I learned early on that I might think I’m suicidal, there is no way I would ever be able to do it, and talking about it or acting on it only ends you up in places, I for one never wanted to go to again. So I focused all my attention on the three things I loved the most, music, art and writing(mostly poetry, but I have started a few books and then lost them). I just learned to deal with all the other parts of my mental state. The depression, the insomnia(from my mind racing a million miles an hour and never stopping), and all the other ups and downs of my life.
         Eventually, I ended up in Va. Beach and started in computer technology, school was always boring and easy to me(which is why I got kicked out in 11th grade and got my G.E.D), everyone told me I should go into computers, because I could make a lot of money. The only problem was, I learned quickly that I didn’t like that environment, but I did get really good grades. Not to mention all my focus was on my music, art and poetry.
             So after finishing school and years of various drugs and drinking(which by the way I hate alcohol, but that is a completely different story all together) I found this miracle drug heroin. It was the answer to everything(so it seemed). I had dabbled with it years before and loved it, but never got as involved as I would.
          I moved back to the D.C. area and quickly formed a couple bands with two former band mates. The band started progressing pretty quickly, I got a loan and built a studio in my basement and was doing really good. The band had a few set backs, like the guitarist/singer broke his arm, but I would just switch back and forth from bass to guitar(I was mainly a guitarist, but I loved playing the bass). We were only a three piece band and we switched back and forth between guitar and bass. I had a two piece band in Va Beach, just me and a drummer. I had written a bunch of songs with many different styles, I have always loved every kind of music(except country).
          After my guitarist’s arm heal we were full throttle, getting gigs, making demos and just trying to make it full speed. After a while, the band broke up for some stupid reason, but we were all pretty close. Within that same year things got really bad for my guitarist and he ended up dying. This completely destroyed me. I was already getting more and more into the heroin and less into my creativity. I ended up selling most of my equipment.
          I guess at this point I should mention that I never did anything with my degree, I worked a lot of construction jobs here and there with different friends, but like I said my mood swings and insomnia kept me from being a productive member of society(for many years I longed to be normal and live a normal life). Before the heroin, my working skills were horrible, but I always thought of it this way, I worked night and day on my creative outlets and even though I might not make any money now, one day after I die, someone is going to get rich.
          As my heroin use progressed and my music equipment shrank, I realized I needed to work more to support my habit. I was never a good criminal, so I knew that was never an option. I just threw myself into work full time as a carpenter(even though I’m an only child I had a real close friend that I consider his whole family, my family and they were all master carpenters). I pretty much always had a job whenever I wanted it.
         Maybe now you can kind of get a picture of where I am going with this. even though my creative outlets were gone, the heroin allowed me to go to sleep at a descent hour and wake up really early, for once in my life I was considered a productive part of society.
         After a few years of heroin use, everyone was on my case to quit, I tried everything, but knew down deep inside that I didn’t want to quit. I always said that I would never go on methadone, but after falling deeply in love with this one girl, I gave in and started a methadone program.
        Once on methadone, I stopped working. Something about methadone just doesn’t work for me. I know a few people it has worked for, but for the most part, it just makes people zombies!!! After a while, I lost my girlfriend and decided to go back on heroin.
          I called up my old boss(more like brother) and he gave me some work. This was early 2003. Everything was great for about 4 years. I went from making $12 an hr to $17 an hr with a year. He would trust me most of the time to run things if he wasn’t there. There was even a few people that worked with us that had more experience, but he knew I learned quicker and was a lot more loyal.
          Everything was great, even though I hadn’t done anything creative, I was finally a “normal” person. Most people didn’t even know I had an addiction. In the 4 years I worked there, I only missed one day, when my dealer at the time ran out and I couldn’t go to work sick. I was the first one there and the last to leave. Life couldn’t get any better in my opinion. I loved working and I loved heroin. Also, people had finally excepted the fact that I wasn’t going to quit and if they didn’t, I didn’t need them anyways(in my opinion), the people that truly loved me, understood.
          In late 2006, my boss made a decision that would change me forever. His sister needed a house built an he decided to build it. We had enough people working with us, that he figured he could split us up into two crews. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out like planned and we lost our steady job. Though it didn’t matter at the time, because we had work.
         Well, his sisters house turned out to be a nightmare. One problem after the other. By Feb. of 2007, everything fell apart and I ended up back on methadone. I just couldn’t afford my habit anymore, I tried selling dope, but that was even more of a mistake, I just wasn’t cut out to be a drug dealer. You can’t do the drugs you are selling, it just doesn’t work.
         Before I went back on methadone, I had a real problem. I got some dope with some bad cut and it just about took off all the skin on my right arm. Luckily, I’m left handed though. As it healed my arm locked up and I haven’t been able to straighten it out since. My wrist is permanently bent over, if I want to straighten my hand, I have to pull it up.
          I went to the hospital and $10,000 later it is still messed up. They told me they wanted to cut it off, but I told them as long as I can move my fingers, it is STAYING!!! The doctor asked me “even if it means you will die?” and I boldly told her “YES”!!!
          Since I couldn’t work anymore, I got back on methadone and it has been complete hell ever since. My breathing got so bad, I would almost collapse just going down 5 stairs!!!I haven’t really worked a day since I started the methadone. Except the occasional times when someone offered to buy me dope for work. If I had dope, I could still work pretty good. Even with my arm messed up, by biggest problem is my breathing. Luckily heroin suppresses your breathing and work was easy. Unfortunately, no one wants to hire someone as messed up as me. Even if they did, the methadone has messed me up so bad, I wouldn’t be able to do it
          I literally was preparing to die!!! I thought my time here was going to end real soon. I was sleeping 12-18 hrs a day. In fact, the only time I left my house was to go to the methadone clinic and then I came right back home. The weeks turned into months and then into years. Before I knew it 4 1/2 years had passed and I was at deaths door, with no hope in sight!!!
         It’s strange how quickly you can lose everything and not even care, I was feeling so useless that I greeted death with open arms. I almost welcomed it. Anything to relieve me from the boring worthless life I was living!!!

A New Start

In Dec. of 2011, I was watching the new karate kid, I know, it sounds funny, but there is one part of the movie where Jackie Chan says “You’ve taught me that life can knock you down, but you can choose to get back up.” For some reason that line stuck with me. I decided right then and there to get off of methadone. I haven’t left the D.C. area(well except to go to Baltimore for dope) since 1999, I went to the beach with my girlfriend at the time.Believe me, I brought a lot of dope and was still sick on the way home. The only other time I left was to go to Western Maryland for my Aunts funeral, once again, I brought plenty of dope, even though I was only gone for a day. The day I was watching the new Karate Kid, it dawned on me, I want to be free!! I can’t even count the times someone has asked me to go to the beach or something and I didn’t even think about it. I had excepted my fate. Then one line in a movie changed everything. I went in an told my counselor, I wanted to get off of methadone. I knew from past experiences it would be a long process, but when I started back at the clinic I told her I want to get off of this quick, I want to be out of here in a couple of months…Here it is 4 1/2 years later and I’m still not off. In Dec. I started coming down 2mg a week. It’s been going pretty good.Now I’m down to 9mg, but I had to cut back to 1mg a week, and I’m fighting it the whole way. Now that I am down so low, I can feel each milligram, but I am going to push on. In Jan., the best thing that could have happened to me, did!! I got a new computer. I haven’t stopped since. I don’t even watch TV anymore, if I am awake, I am on this computer. It started out with my music, first I tried out Fl Studio, the demo version does everything but record(which I can export into a free program). Then I wanted to just practice playing my bass and guitar(Even though my arm is messed up and I can’t hold a pick, I still have my fingers and I always dropped picks back when I could hold one so I got use to playing without one.)so I started looking into getting an interface for my computer. I did some wheeling and dealing and got one(I found a place that took small payments-Thank you sweetwater).I haven’t stopped since. Next came my artwork, I was looking at all my sketchbook, and thought I need to get these uploaded. I went online and boom, wallmart had one for $25. I was so excited. So I started looking into photoshop, the best part about most programs is they’ll give you a free trial(I’ve gone through 4 different music programs) and a lot of them have have similar freeware, that is so awesome. Because, I haven’t worked in 4 1/2 yrs. Then one day, I was thinking, maybe I’ll just scan my poetry books, I have about 6 of them. Then it came to me, there has to be a site somewhere for poetry. Sure enough, all poetry.com was right there. A while back,in 2010, I started copying my poems onto a disk so I could have them. All I had to do was cut and paste. I uploaded 33 poems in one day. While I was doing that it dawned on me,I have 9 chapters of a book I was writing back in 2010(but it didn’t go very far) about addiction. I knew I was dying and thought if i write a book about why addiction is what it is and the things that can be done, maybe after I am gone, someone else will be helped and can avoid this pain. So here it is March, I started making new music, new writings(including this), and new artwork, I absolutely love photoshop. Oh yeah, I almost forgot about learning how to do videos on my computer screen with a hypercam. That made my new music not only audible, but visible too. Add in a couple photoshopped pictures and I’m going somewhere. This whole digital thing is absolutely awesome to me, I can’t get enough, I want to learn everything. I even started dabbling in moving logos and 3D animation, but that is a whole new project that will take a lot of time to learn. I even made my own website. It took about three days to get right(12hrs straight each day), I must of changed it a hundred times already. I just can’t believe it’s only been 2 1/2 months and I’ve accomplished more in that little time frame than I have in 15yrs.!! The sky is the limit and I plan on climbing to the top!!